A Common Fan’s Sports Diary

In random order.

Disclaimer: please do not take offense. This is strictly in jest

Why the Knight Riders want to keep losing?

Because SRK gives expensive watches to those who lose (remember KBC)

Why the Knight Riders don’t want to win?

So that SRK doesn’t come back

Cricket based reality show that will never be made…

Kya Aap Knight Riders Se Accha Khelte Hain

What SRK never told Buchanan when the Australian was preaching his new theories on cricket?

Seedhi Baat Baaki Sab Bakwaas. Like he tells the fat guy all the time in the Sprite ad

Why is John Buchanan missing Ricky Ponting?

Because he could have had one more captain in the side

What does Buchanan do when SRK calls him to discuss the team’s performance?

Hello, Hello, Hello…like the Tata Indicom Ad

What a dropped catch in the IPL will soon be branded as?

Another ITC Cigarettes moment of stress – coz somewhere a disgusted SRK is lighting another one

Why Brendon McCullum was made captain of the Knight Riders?

Because as a tradition the worst fielder in the side is made captain of the Knight Riders

When do you know that things are wrong with the Universe?

When Ajit Agarkar stops trying to become India’s answer to Malcolm Marshall and bowls intelligently and within his limits for two consecutive games.

Why are the Knight Riders missing so many catches?

Because they have Two many fielders (McCullum and Saha) who can’t catch without their gloves on

Why Nokia has been asked to stop their ‘Sab Jeetenge’ meaning ‘everyone will win’ ad?

Because the ad is too ironic – everyone is winning other than the team featured in the ad (the Knight Riders)

What could happen if 6,00,000 Dollar man Mashrafe Mortaza doesn’t play a single game?

That money would qualify as a charitable donation to an under-developed nation (Bangladesh) and SRK would be entitled to tax benefits

Why is co-owner and cement Baron Jay Mehta heaving a sigh of relief?

For not coming up with ‘our team is as strong and reliable as our cement’ ads.

Helicopter Pilots, it seems, do not have the assistance of sophisticated navigation tools and Air Traffic Control when they attempt to do a landing. They just have to look out for a large ‘H’ in the middle of a vast expanse of land and then try landing on the alphabet.

And apparently it works perfectly most of the time

Except for the rare occasions, when the expanse of land happens to be a sport stadium and the ‘H’ stands for the name of the home team.

Outdoor stadiums should not be allowed to have this symbol

Shouldn’t we just ban the alphabet ‘H’ from outdoor sports facilities – to boost the morale of helicopter pilots and to ensure the well being of supporters of all ‘H’-named teams?

Thanks to my friend Nimish for providing the link

As you can see Robinho's brain is empty

As news broke out that Kaka would move to Man City for a world record transfer fee of 105 million pounds, fellow Brazilian footballer Robinho was taken to task by his father for not spending enough time learning and acquiring knowledge. In what is definitely a moral victory for those who advocate that world class sportsmen should spend more hours reading and gaining knowledge, Robinho Senior argued that had his son utilized all the time he spent on Real Madrid’s bench (which was a lot of time because he was never in the playing eleven) in the pursuit of knowledge, he wouldn’t have been tricked into believing that he was actually going to Man United and not to Man City. And had that not happened, Robinho’s transfer would have also commanded the same wages and transfer money that Kaka’s movement to Man City will involve.

Grey haired Mark Huges in his playing days

It is believed that the gullible or shall we say ignorant Robinho didn’t even know that a club called Man City existed. When the current Man City manager Mark Hughes met him, the Welshman showed the Brazilian footage of his playing days with Man United and sold him the story that he was actually a player manager at Man United. That Hughes’s hair had already greyed during his playing days would have made the story convincing and fooled Robinho into believing it.

This story has taken Real Madrid and Spain by storm. Club president Ramon Calderon has taken responsibility for giving away Robinho for so less and resigned. He has however requested the media to report that he resigned because of vote rigging so that he can be seen as a cunning and manipulative man by the Public and not as a financial fool. The loss in export revenue to the tune of more than 50 million pounds and the subsequent loss in export duty have also been taken up in the Spanish Ministry of Trade. It is believed that a high-level committee will be set-up to handle player transfers in the future.

Italy on the other hand is celebrating. In addition to match-fixing and drugs, the football authorities have always let the players have a healthy dose of news and information. The AC Milan clubhouse has increased the number of subscriptions for news dailies and magazines and other clubs are expected to follow suit. The ministry of Education has set up a help-line which players can contact in case they need information on foreign clubs and managers.

It is also believed that after Kaka, AC Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi plans to offer, first Ronaldinho and then Beckham to the Sheikhs of the Abu Dhabi Group. Rich people have a fetish for collecting rare items and which football-mad sheikh would mind having in his collection, three of the finest Brazilian footballers who all happen to play in the same position. As for David Beckham, he will be used as a mascot in the derby games against United while wife Victoria will lead the chanting of the Club anthem. The overall package will net Berlusconi more than 300 million pounds. An out of job investment banker has warned the sheikhs that this will be enough money for the Italian to buy the Man City Football Club itself. After all, it was last sold for 200 million just a few months back. But Berlusconi has already scuppered such speculation by saying that he will never buy a club which doesn’t even have a trophy cabinet.

Kaka is well informed and even has reading glasses

Meanwhile Robinho has countered that had it not been for his mistake, Kaka would have also fallen for the same trick. He has in fact asked his international team-mate for a share of the 105 million pound transfer fees – he argues that he had to make the sacrifice for Brazilians to discover the truth about Man City. Kaka hasn’t agreed to give him any of the money but has decided to send him all his old books and newspapers and promised to help Robinho learn about the World when he joins him at Man City – after all it was his knowledge that set him apart from Robinho.

Coaches and commentators say this all the time. No one actually proves it. After all it’s just a figure of speech, right.

Not anymore

A coach in the US put his reputation where his mouth was by actually getting a child to make a point to his players. And how well that worked out for him.

Moral of the story – Sometimes, it really is a ‘Childs Play’

Shouldn’t more players be expecting the same from their coaches – esp. the ones who use the ‘Child’s play’ phrase at the drop of a hat?

And what about cricket fans who have had to bear with the loud boasts of the cricketing prowess of someone’s grandmother.

Shane Warne finally has something positive to show for his colourful life – a musical based on his adventure-packed life. The musical has been well received and even the portly spinner has managed a few laughs at his own expense – he’s always been a good sport. The film-making aspects have got a lot of favourable reviews but it’s undeniable that a lot of the success of the musical has to be attributed to the story itself.

That also raises the interesting prospect – that cricket has some more musicals to offer. After all, there is no shortage of lively characters with interesting tales. So let’s look at some other storylines which could definitely set the box-office on fire.

First a disclaimer – These musicals may or may, in full or in parts, have a striking resemblance to characters dead or alive. Such similarities are purely coincidental.

Vinod Kambli – Till the interval, we see a classic ‘rags –to- riches’ story, with a ‘Yeh Dosti’ song thrown in with Sachin Tendulkar. Then fame gets to his head, he starts wearing too much jewellery and ends up losing his wife and his job. He then starts a second innings in the movies, unsuccessfully trying his hand at singing and acting. This will give us enough scope, though, to add lots of songs and dances in the musical. Then when all seems lost, our hero emerges with a super hot wife in tow and then sets another record. He slaps every person who whistles or comments on his wife and ends up scoring 10,000 in double quick time. There is a final scene where Kambli and Sachin come together and cut a cake in the shape of ‘10,000’ together. I can think of three names for this one – 1) Meri Biwi Ka Jawab Nahin 2) Desi Babu English Mem and 3) Bandar Ke Sir Par Chameli Ka Tel. And there are no casting issues with the failed actor and model wife totally available to play themselves on screen.

Beauty and the bum

Imran Khan – This tale of a cricket playing Casanova is actually the most obvious one to make – sadly Shakespeare and Neville Cardus are not around to jointly script it. It will have to be made in English as ‘Romeo goes to Lords’ and in Hindi/Urdu as ‘Sabse Bada Khiladi’, pun intended. The producer will need to get all the participants from the Miss World contest to complete the casting. There will be one song and dance sequence with Imran playing cricket with 21 other women, 2 lady umpires, an all women ground staff and 20,000 women watching. The musical could be released on Women’s Day – after all it is about one man’s life- long passion for loving women. This musical would have helped Imran with the lady voters, but I don’t think the Taliban will allow its screening in Pakistan.

Mohd Azharuddin – A little creative liberty will make this script a sure shot winner. Azhar has a happily married life and Sangeeta is going steady with Salman. Then Azhar gets banned for match-fixing –and some local rowdy tattoos ‘Mera Baap Chor Hai ‘on his son’s wrist. Unable to take the humiliation his wife leaves him and Azhar loses his clarity of speech – it becomes worse than his post match interviews. There will be scenes where he vents his anger by exercising too much. On the other side, Sangeeta gets fed up of Salman’s semi-nakedness and fascination for hunting and leaves him. Then two tortured souls met and hook up. Sangeeta is bowled over by Azhar’s love for fine shirts. With time love heals everything.

I love the fabric of the shirt

Shahid Afridi and Hasan Raza – This one is a parody on how someone passed a fatwa against celebration of birthdays in Pakistan and therefore people stopped aging – on paper at least. How Afridi and Raza had to remain 16 –year olds for a long time. We could call it –‘Abhi To Main Jawan Hoon’. The song and dance will be in a school setting (obviously) with Afridi and Raza in school uniform, with water bottles around their necks dancing away with hot teachers. The closing scene will show the characters lying on their death bed still doing their school home-work

Love on the cricket field

Harbhajan and Sreesanth – A multilingual based on the love –hate relationship between two nut-cases. First there will be great friendship – the two will be shown sledging away in tandem. Love will blossom when they are serving a suspension together. Then too much cricket will take its toll and cracks will appear in their relationship, leading to a slapping, crying and makeover episode. The final scene will be from the ‘Ek Haseena EK Khiladi’ program with the two battling it out for first place. But in the end there will be no winners, only two lovers. It will be a coming out of the closet musical called ‘Cricketana’. (Remember Dostana)

The Boycott family out for a game

Geoffrey Boycott – Remember Colin Cowdrey being recalled as a 43 year old to play against the West Indies. This one will feature a 90 year old Mrs Boycott being recalled to play for England after her grandson has been sent home for batting too slowly. We will also have a flash back scene where a younger Miss Boycott will be shown playing against Bradman in the Bodyline series. This time however, Jardine will use her (as cricket’s equivalent of Mata Hari) and not Larwood to keep the great Don in check. This one should surely shut up Geoff Boycott for good.

Cricket's femme fatale

Just before the India- Australia series began, an English friend of mine commented that it would be great if the Indians could beat the Aussies. “It would damage their psyche and their confidence would be low, when we meet them in the Ashes”, he argued. He got his wish when India thumped the Australians 2-0.

But he forgot to account for the India-England series which was to follow. He feared the worst as India raced to a 5-0 lead in the one-dayers and was thankful that the series was called off prematurely. A 7-0 whitewash wouldn’t have helped the English confidence, obviously.

And then he was over the moon as England established a stranglehold over the first test. Beating the side that had just overpowered the old enemy was the best confidence boost ahead of the Ashes. But just before he could raise a toast, Sehwag and co changed everything. The Chennai test will continue to haunt the English side for a long time to come – up to the time of the Ashes series, at least. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the third-world country haters (Australia) have suddenly started liking one

India is suddenly the biggest factor in the Ashes battle – they just keep changing the balance of the series from one side to the other.

Watching the Ashes will be very different this time – like a winner watching the losers battling for a consolation prize. There will be no awe-inspiring moments, nothing to get too impressed by – how can you when you so recently kicked the same guy’s butt big time.

The two losers are more deserving of the pot on the right

How good are the hallowed Ashes with two losers battling it out? England and Australia might as well play for something else, lest they de-value the importance of something so prized – they could fight for an Indian earthen pot with filled with some sub-continental dust perhaps.

And while they are at it, they better hand over the Ashes urn to its rightful winners

Ever read through all the comments on the discussion board of the sports articles on rediff.com

If you have not, you are definitely missing something. This is probably the only place where quite often the comments are more readable than the article itself. They are so interesting (read random and baseless and without a shred of logic) that you could actually skip the body of the article and head straight to the comments.

I had a lot of fun reading this one, and that one and also this other one

Pakistani bowler Zaid Mir bowled 10 consecutive no-balls, conceding 31 runs, without bowling a single legal delivery in a domestic Twenty-20 game. He ended up with the most amazing bowling figures of 0-0-31-0. That is surely one performance he won’t be telling his grandchildren anything about

This bowler (if we can call him one) had to be finally taken off; the official word being that he was suffering from a leg strain.

I wonder what took his captain so long.

This incident (or shall we say accident) reminds me of a horror story from football

Remember when Martin Palermo of Argentina missed three penalty kicks in the same game

If not, then this will surely make you want to pull your hair out

In what is probably the most important discovery made by India since we discovered zero centuries ago, Indians have now found a way to beat the athletes from Jamaica

At the recent Commonwealth Youth Games, the rats in the Games Village scared the Jamaican athletes to death and the poor guys almost fled from the scene

The record showing of Jamaican athletes at Beijing had left the entire world looking for answers. Now we know how to keep the Jamaican sprinters in check or rather running for their lives

This news has caught the attention of all the big sporting nations

The exports of these ferocious Indian rats could really grow

See you at the Olympics

London has already placed a first order for 50

Is someone who on reading about the ongoing World Chess Championship match-up between Vishwanathan Anand and Vladimir Kramnik leaves the following comment

Anand has been playing chess for over twenty years; he is a spent force now. Let us give a chance to younger players like parimarjan negi and tania sachdev

I would not be surprised, if this guy has a life size portrait of Dilip Vengsarkar hanging in his living room