A Common Fan’s Sports Diary

This line-up ain't interesting enough

This article was written long before  ‘Ek Khiladi Ek Haseena’ happened on Indian Television. The writer had long wished for a program like this and had put together his dream line-up of stars.

This week I was tormented by an episode of ‘Nach Baliye’- a dance competition involving celebrities. The format is interesting but I cannot say the same for the participants. Most of them were small-time TV stars – celeb quotient too low to create any buzz. Then the competition was not gripping enough, in spite of all the snarling and put-on intensity. Not good enough. So what should be done, given that it’s a format with potential? Well, just bring on the real ‘competitors’ and the real ‘celebrities’ – the sports stars.

There is no denying the competitiveness of a sportsperson; it’s also all-encompassing. Trust them to fiercely compete with their five-year old in a game of criss-cross. And even the biggest film stars play second-fiddle to them (remember SRK not being his usual narcissist self at the Pepsi gold world cup launch)

For those of you doubting their dancing skills, here are some hard facts. The British equivalent – ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ has been won by Darren Gough and Mark Ramprakash in the last two editions. Even the American ‘Dancing with the Stars’ has had a Footballer and an Olympic Champion Marathoner as two of its four winners. Other sportspersons like boxer Laila Ali have also figured in the top-3. All these non-dancers have come out on top against a largely filmy opposition – people who dance as part of their profession. Talk of competitive intensity. And before you mention Ajay Jadeja’s disappointing performance, please note that he didn’t have Waqar Younis’ presence to get his competitive juices flowing.

Rather than have more players on ‘Nach Baliye’, I think it makes greater sense to have a full-fledged competition for the sporting fraternity.

So, let’s go ahead and lay down the ground rules, identify the participants and have our own ‘Dancing with the sport stars’.

Rule no 1 – The celebrity participant has to be a renowned sportsperson
Rule no 2 – The partner will have to be someone who has been in some kind of relationship with the player. We will also consider ‘rumoured’ relationships for the sake of all the paparazzi in this country. They need to make a living too.
Rule no 3- At least one member of every team has be an Indian national

And here are the participants. I have taken into consideration the dancing ability of the couple, chemistry, masala news creating ability, popularity (to get enough viewer votes) and finally their competitive spirit. They are in no particular order. In fact, I would request you to rank them and we can have our very own iSport Reader’s Choice Awards. Other than the first prize for best dancing couple we will also have a special prize for the most entertaining couple.

Sourav Ganguly and Naghma – have we ever had a more competitive captain in this country? I guess not. Has no ‘footwork’ to speak of but I am sure will overcome this deficiency. Has an acclaimed dancer for a wife; but I will still go with Naghma. Dona Ganguly is too ‘technically’ correct for Dada’s good. And Naghma’s no slouch as a dancer having matched steps with the great Prabhu Deva. Sourav’s controversial partner and expected victory celebration (taking his shirt off, a la Lords) should have enough fans rooting for him.
Leander Paes and Sania Mirza – Leander’s got great feet and great hands. On top of that, he’s a master of ‘mixed doubles’. Will pick Sania to partner him over ex-girlfriends – actress Mahima Chaudhary and model Rhea Pillai. Sania’s got more glam and the double whammy from the world of tennis opens up interesting possibilities (a tennis based routine perhaps). They have a proven track-record (the Asian games gold) and extra motivation to give every tennis supporter in this country bragging rights over the cricket fanatics. Competitors beware.

Mohd Azharuddin and Sangeeta Bijlani – Here is a man looking for redemption and with no chance of returning to cricket, will make do with whatever he can get his hands on. Azhar’s supreme fitness and athleticism coupled with Sangeeta’s acting experience will make a heady combination. Expect some energetic performances. As for wristy stroke play, he’ll find Sangeeta too heavy to handle. Not to worry. A stint in Azhar‘s gym and she’ll be light as a willow. That should send the competition on a leather hunt.

MAK Pataudi and Sharmila Tagore – This is a special couple. A cricket playing Maharaja and a Bollywood queen from the great Tagore family. Pataudi’s educational stints at Winchester and Cambridge would have given him a thorough grounding in ballroom dancing – a form which will bring out their timeless grace and be further accentuated by their understated romantic chemistry. This older couple will have strong fan following (even splitting the Bengali votes) and will not go out without a fight (remember that Pataudi was the first captain who taught Indians to stand up and fight)

Sanjay Kapur and Karishma Kapoor – Sanjay Kapur is one of India’s foremost polo players (before you open your mouth in surprise). He has also been voted one of India’s most well dressed (check out the first Indian edition of the Vogue magazine). Karishma and her dancing abilities need no introduction. This is a strong team from a purely dancing stand-point but lacks the over-all star quotient and will start as underdogs. This situation might work to their advantage

Imran Khan and Zeenat Aman – The now single pair would look to re-kindle the passion of 1979. (When they first became an item). The best looking couple in the event; the besotted audience (and even the judges) will keep bringing them back for more. Imran’s a born winner and proven motivator of men (and women). Zeenie baby sure knows a thing or two about dancing (think Qurbani). As for Imran; even his walk to the bowling mark was languid grace. Will have support on both sides of the border.

Bipasha Basu and Cristiano Ronaldo – The competition will lose an Indian viewer (John Abraham), but this pair will add an international touch and bring international audiences in droves. Ronaldo’s deft footwork will leave the audience dizzy with delight. It would be the second coming of Super Soccer. Bipasha will have a lot of man-marking to do. But I am sure this Bengali damsel knows her football pretty well.

Ravi Shastri and Amrita Singh – the last time they were together, he won the Champion of Champions in Australia. Shastri is well known for punching far above his weight and an encore cannot be ruled out in this competition. Will have to avoid the ugly ‘Chapatti shot’ though. Amrita has made a return to acting and will be in fine shape for this competition. She will have extra motivation to beat her former in-laws as well. Their favourite dance form – a fusion of Koli and Bhangra styles.

This is quite a formidable line-up. I have purposely not given my rankings as they will create a bias. Please play judge and vote for both categories. Best dancing couple and most entertaining pair.

This article was originally published on iSport.in in September 2007.

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Shane Warne finally has something positive to show for his colourful life – a musical based on his adventure-packed life. The musical has been well received and even the portly spinner has managed a few laughs at his own expense – he’s always been a good sport. The film-making aspects have got a lot of favourable reviews but it’s undeniable that a lot of the success of the musical has to be attributed to the story itself.

That also raises the interesting prospect – that cricket has some more musicals to offer. After all, there is no shortage of lively characters with interesting tales. So let’s look at some other storylines which could definitely set the box-office on fire.

First a disclaimer – These musicals may or may, in full or in parts, have a striking resemblance to characters dead or alive. Such similarities are purely coincidental.

Vinod Kambli – Till the interval, we see a classic ‘rags –to- riches’ story, with a ‘Yeh Dosti’ song thrown in with Sachin Tendulkar. Then fame gets to his head, he starts wearing too much jewellery and ends up losing his wife and his job. He then starts a second innings in the movies, unsuccessfully trying his hand at singing and acting. This will give us enough scope, though, to add lots of songs and dances in the musical. Then when all seems lost, our hero emerges with a super hot wife in tow and then sets another record. He slaps every person who whistles or comments on his wife and ends up scoring 10,000 in double quick time. There is a final scene where Kambli and Sachin come together and cut a cake in the shape of ‘10,000’ together. I can think of three names for this one – 1) Meri Biwi Ka Jawab Nahin 2) Desi Babu English Mem and 3) Bandar Ke Sir Par Chameli Ka Tel. And there are no casting issues with the failed actor and model wife totally available to play themselves on screen.

Beauty and the bum

Imran Khan – This tale of a cricket playing Casanova is actually the most obvious one to make – sadly Shakespeare and Neville Cardus are not around to jointly script it. It will have to be made in English as ‘Romeo goes to Lords’ and in Hindi/Urdu as ‘Sabse Bada Khiladi’, pun intended. The producer will need to get all the participants from the Miss World contest to complete the casting. There will be one song and dance sequence with Imran playing cricket with 21 other women, 2 lady umpires, an all women ground staff and 20,000 women watching. The musical could be released on Women’s Day – after all it is about one man’s life- long passion for loving women. This musical would have helped Imran with the lady voters, but I don’t think the Taliban will allow its screening in Pakistan.

Mohd Azharuddin – A little creative liberty will make this script a sure shot winner. Azhar has a happily married life and Sangeeta is going steady with Salman. Then Azhar gets banned for match-fixing –and some local rowdy tattoos ‘Mera Baap Chor Hai ‘on his son’s wrist. Unable to take the humiliation his wife leaves him and Azhar loses his clarity of speech – it becomes worse than his post match interviews. There will be scenes where he vents his anger by exercising too much. On the other side, Sangeeta gets fed up of Salman’s semi-nakedness and fascination for hunting and leaves him. Then two tortured souls met and hook up. Sangeeta is bowled over by Azhar’s love for fine shirts. With time love heals everything.

I love the fabric of the shirt

Shahid Afridi and Hasan Raza – This one is a parody on how someone passed a fatwa against celebration of birthdays in Pakistan and therefore people stopped aging – on paper at least. How Afridi and Raza had to remain 16 –year olds for a long time. We could call it –‘Abhi To Main Jawan Hoon’. The song and dance will be in a school setting (obviously) with Afridi and Raza in school uniform, with water bottles around their necks dancing away with hot teachers. The closing scene will show the characters lying on their death bed still doing their school home-work

Love on the cricket field

Harbhajan and Sreesanth – A multilingual based on the love –hate relationship between two nut-cases. First there will be great friendship – the two will be shown sledging away in tandem. Love will blossom when they are serving a suspension together. Then too much cricket will take its toll and cracks will appear in their relationship, leading to a slapping, crying and makeover episode. The final scene will be from the ‘Ek Haseena EK Khiladi’ program with the two battling it out for first place. But in the end there will be no winners, only two lovers. It will be a coming out of the closet musical called ‘Cricketana’. (Remember Dostana)

The Boycott family out for a game

Geoffrey Boycott – Remember Colin Cowdrey being recalled as a 43 year old to play against the West Indies. This one will feature a 90 year old Mrs Boycott being recalled to play for England after her grandson has been sent home for batting too slowly. We will also have a flash back scene where a younger Miss Boycott will be shown playing against Bradman in the Bodyline series. This time however, Jardine will use her (as cricket’s equivalent of Mata Hari) and not Larwood to keep the great Don in check. This one should surely shut up Geoff Boycott for good.

Cricket's femme fatale